What holds you back

Pursuit of that which speaks from your soul or conscience of inner truth or whatever name you give your essence... And once catching that voice...do you speak or do you hold back. If you speak and the response is less acceptance and more anger or rejection do you continue to speak the same truth or do you change the message? Do you hold back or take the risk. (a draft from 12/9/11)

wonder

For nearly a year I've noticed how I've been consciously comparing certain aspects of my life to what I recall experiencing in high school: spending inordinate amounts of time doing my best to get noticed, all the while not wanting to be noticed trying to get noticed, and either knowing and or believing everyone else around me doing the same. The experience of endless competition, insecurity, comparison, frustration, anger, deceit, awe, disrespect, guilt, success...constantly in motion. I've sensed a deepening shallowness about my expression of life. Lost has been my sense of wonder. I've moved to celebrity, from anthropology. Where is my profound gift of nagging awe with all about me?

whilst screaming

WILL IT STOP.

oh stephen

I tend to always think of Stephen King as spending inordinate amounts of time sitting alone at a desk in a room with lots of shelves bedecked with bits and pieces of his personal memorabilia, periodically looking out either a window in front of him or to the side, writing any varied sort of note, whether it is a paragraph for a book or a journal entry (that will one day be used in a book, for I believe everyone of his books is autobiographical). The scene in my mind depicts what I believe most about Stephen King: he spends a great amount of time alone. I done believe he is a lonely man. I believe he is quite content, thinking, and he thinks intently whether when with someone or a group of folk, or when he is by himself. His mind floods the most, however, when he is alone.

sweeps

Much of the month of May is considered "sweeps month" for the TV & Radio industry, at least in Wisconsin. Sweeps month is a time when the industry assesses market-share. The various news media clamor for attention, in general, though that clamoring is cranked-up considerably during May. I listened to my "favorite" periodic news-talk radio host earlier this week. I don't particularly like the views of this particular radio personality...I find him rude, disrespectful of his callers, extremely opinionated and prejudiced, and conceited. That said, I find some of his topics news-worthy, and I appreciate the way in which he endeavors to construct his viewpoint. The particular host carried on in great detail how a rival news group had purposely 'sat on" what they later promoted as a breaking story involving a local law enforcement officer alleged, in the story, to have stolen a citizen's money from an ATM. The particular host not only lambasted the rival news group for a highly erroneous breaking story, but also insisted the rival company had purposely waited until sweeps month to go live with the story, merely as a way to boost market-share. The full details of the story are not completely clear, though the law enforcement agency involved is on record to report there was no wrong-doing in the incident. Considerable air-time has been devoted, by the particular host, regarding this purportedly erroneous story and how it broke precisely during sweeps week. The particular host broke his own allegation, of the story being erroneous, precisely during sweeps week. My clear impression is that sweeps month competition is fully alive and well in all news media, and any and all news groups will stop at nothing to promote their company and market share, at any and all expense of the competition.

Denial

At the Last Supper, Jesus said someone dining with him would betray him. There were two who betrayed. Judas. Peter. Judas gave Jesus up for arrest. Peter denied knowing Jesus. Judas admitted knowing Jesus. Peter denied knowing Jesus...three times. Judas' greater sin was not having betrayed Jesus; Judas'greater sign was to have denied the forgiveness he would have been given. Peter's greater sin was to have denied Jesus three times. He accepted the forgiveness that he had been given.

ajar

one of my colleagues has been traveling in El Salvador lately. he is a member of a parish committee that is called to maintain the organizational structure of our parish sistering relationship with a small community in northern El Salvador. the community is called Teosinte. my peer has been to El Salvador dozens of times, stemming first from his own participation, in a different parish sistering committee, and now his involvement in our cluster parish partner. he is fluent in spanish, has a passion for El Salvador, has some excellent ideas about sistering, and has, in some ways, his own mission in sistering. my peer was recently in Teosinte, amongst his various travels in the country. he delivered a letter to a family friend I have in Teosinte. he brought back news of a young man from Teosinte who was recently killed...the young man worked for the national police and was killed in a skirmish with a San Salvadoran gang. he shared a few updates about the general life in Teosinte. and his most recent update was all about the extremely difficult challenge that families have in Teosinte, due to young people...mostly boys and young men, who are leaving the community, and the country, to emigrate to the u.s.a. it costs $7000 alone to be trafficked to the u.s., and that does not count the cost of failed attempts, theft, brutality, etc. and to remain in El Salvador means to deal with gangs, who both lure young folk away, and steal from those not part of the gangs. my peers recent account was seriously difficult to read, created a great deal of sadness and despondency, and mostly left me wondering about many things, not the least of which includes - how some of the families in Teosinte have leveraged their own sons' success in getting to the u.s. and now having not only the best of homes in Teosinte, but the financial means to continue to increase their position and influence; and the poverty and social injustice of the overall country is repeated in the community - how the u.s. has taken this attitude that we cannot let people from certain foreign countries into our country; for an individual from El Salvador to get a visa is nearly impossible, let alone costly just for the attempt. yet, we allow people from India, Chinga, Japan, western European countries. latin america is banished..."we don't want them" is the chant from the u.s. and why? - those who survive the trafficking to get into the u.s. are left to live lives of secrecy, yet they send an incredible amount of money back to their families in El Salvador; their sense of community and family puts modern u.s. family to shame our great country was built upon the risks of those europeans...in general, who sacrificed all to emigrate to north america and take a chance to build a life. though there were those here, prior to the immigrants, who did not necessarily want new arrivals, power and influence and intelligence and whatever were used to force entry and new life begin. and while i am personally grateful for that outcome, i am shamed when i consider we won't enable our own past fortunes to continue to others in same situations and circumstances. the result is that the people in what is called the 'third world' countries to continue to repeat the very patterns that have been in existence in this world since the dawn of man...struggling to get in, and then closing the door on those following us. what would it take to leave the door open, even a bit?